Thursday, February 23, 2012

I'm not lost.... anymore

Well, it's been a very long time since I last wrote a blog. Too long I'm sure, because I've probably lost the few followers I had! ;) But, here I am!

It's been a rough couple of months. I wanted to write so many times, but I just didn't know what to write, and didn't know what to share. Or what not to share. So, I didn't write. Looking back, this was probably a very good thing. I was in a dark place for a little while, and I don't think I had anything worth sharing.

I've been sick for a while now. I've suffered with chronic pain for a few years, but starting back in November the pain began to intensify. By December the pain was accompanied by a slew of other symptoms, and by Christmas I felt like I could no longer function. My world seemed to come to a complete halt, and to say I handled it well would be a gross overstatement. I did not handle it well.

You see, I'm a bit of a control freak, and patience is NOT my forte. I'm a 'RIGHT NOW' kinda gal, so when I began seeing the doctor and wasn't getting any answers as to what was happening in my body I just couldn't take it.

My symptoms were worsening all the time. And to feel like I had no control over my own body was terrifying to say the least. The pain and fatigue took over, and it wasn't a pretty sight.

Being a homemaker, wife, and mother is a tough job on the best of days. But with my "new" body it was more then tough. It felt impossible to do any of my jobs, and doing them well was, well it wasn't happening.

I truly began to loose who I am. I was in such a deep pit. And although I wanted desperately to pull myself out, I couldn't. I would wake up in the morning and tell myself that it was going to be a good day, and I would pray for God's strength to help me through. But come 11:00am my body would start to deteriorate. My pain would become unmanageable, the tremors that plague me would start to roll through my body, my speech would become a bit of a slur, and the headaches and eye pain would set in. How can I manage my home, take care of my 3 beautiful boys, and homeschool like this? By 2:00pm I would have all the kids in my room with me, school work in tow, or a movie so that I could be in bed in attempt to rest my body. By 6:00pm I could no longer function, the house and the kids were turned over to hubby, and I settled in knowing I was going to have at least 2-3 hours of muscle spasms before I would fall asleep. Of course only to be woken through the night in pain. And then it was time to get out of bed and start all over again in the morning. Too much, right? Well it was too much for me, thus the big, dark pit I was living in.

It's not easy to loose control, especially over your body. I couldn't do anything the way I used to. No more driving, no more taking the kids out of the house for a walk or play date, and no more enjoying life because it felt like the life was sucked out of me.

And then one day, I hit rock bottom. I could not take another second of this. Too many symptoms, too many appointments, and too little answers. I phoned hubby at work and broke down. I told him I couldn't go on, couldn't have all of this going on, and still be a wife and mother. I felt like I couldn't take care of myself, let alone our sweet, precious children. Hubby didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to help. He was already picking up the slack at home when he was here, and already missing so much work to help with appointments, he was at a loss of what to do or say. I could tell he was just as frustrated and sad as I was. Watching his wife suffer through illness was hard enough, watching me loose my mind was beyond what he knew how to handle.
Shortly after getting off the phone with him I heard my cell phone beep with a text message. It was my husband. My un-Saved hubby. The message said "I will pray for you". That message hit me like a ton of bricks. My un-saved hubby, who doesn't pray wants to pray for me. There was so much impact to those words - "I will pray for you" coming from him, that I just fell to my knees. God is SO good, and so much bigger then us all, and for some reason I forgot this. I mean, I knew these things, but while being in my dark pit I forgot to practice those things. Sure I was praying everyday, but I wasn't surrendering myself completely over to God. I was trying to control it all. And, as we all know life just doesn't work that way. I'm not in control. I've never been in control. There is only One who is in perfect control of all things.

So, my husband began to pray for me. And through him I saw that it was time to give myself back over to the Lord, the only one who could take me out of my dark pit. Back to His embrace, instead of the enemy's. I didn't even know I had fallen from my place with Him, thats how tricky this dark pit is.

My health problems haven't gone away. I'm still coping day by day. But I'm on the right track with specialists now, who have narrowed it down to a few conditions, and after some tests I have coming up I should have a diagnosis.

But in the meantime, things are easier. No, I'm still not back to my healthy self, and yes everyday is still a challenge. But the difference is now I have the power of a praying husband! And honestly I would go through every horrible, painful day all over again if it meant that it was bringing my husband one step closer to the Lord. Our Lord is all mighty, all powerful, holy holy holy! And prayer is so powerful, there is no denying that since hubby began to pray that I have improved. And it feels SOOO good to be back in the arms of my Father, I don't have to go through this alone. Thank you, Jesus!

So... I'm back! And spiritually feeling better then I have in a long time!

Does anyone relate? If any of you are suffering from a health condition and have any advice on how to successfully homeschool on the bad days, or tips on home management when the bad days hit leave me a comment! I could use all the advice I can get!

By His grace alone,


I've linked up at


  1. Wow! So sorry that you have been suffering but so neat that God is using it to touch your husband's heart. Thanks for sharing all that. Makes me think lots about the song "Blessings". "What if the trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?"

  2. I came over to your blog from your guest post on Stacy's blog today. I'm so glad I did. I, too, am a chronic pain "survivor". This post brought me to tears. Eventhough we sometimes feel "broken"...we can still make an impact. I have to tell myself this often because I went through a mourning of my "former" self, as I'm sure you understand. Thank you for opening your heart and posting...we never know "why"...but, I chose to accept this is my path. I'm now following you friend. Many blessings,


    1. Hi Erin! I'm so glad you found me! We can all support and encourage each other! I definitely know what you mean by "mourning your former self"... I'm still there a bit!

      Thanks for the follow! I'm looking forward to reading your blog!! Have a blessed weekend!